Ah, television. ’Tis as much a part of Christmas as plum pud, unwanted CDs and arguing with Granny about whether or not turkeys really did taste better when she was young. And it’s the exact same thing each year…
10am: FILM – The Wizard of Oz
Another inexplicable early-morning outing for one of the most terrifying movies ever made. Cower behind the sofa as that witch with the green face lets out her bowel-movingly frightening cackle. I know that’s where I’ll be.
Noon: I Love Last Christmas
Tedious nostalgia-based excuse of a programme, in which various slebs muse on their favourite festive moments from last year. Highlights include: Caroline Flack on the really funny reindeer-related joke she found inside a cracker, and Jeremy Paxman on his bitter disappointment that he messed up the taping of Toy Story 2, inadvertently setting the video for Antz instead.
2pm: News Round-up
All the day’s news from around the world, with a feel-good story about a lost puppy tacked on at the end to make it feel more Christmassy. Including a report from Lapland on the continuing stand-off in Santa’s Workshop between Special Forces and secessionist elf terrorists, and an interview with the Easter Bunny about feelings of isolation which can strike non-Christmas-specific mythical figures at this time of year. Followed by the weather with one of the Three Magi. The one who brought myrrh.
3pm: FILM – Casablanca
The classic romance in which Humphrey Bogart doesn’t say ‘Play it again, Sam’, but merely ‘Play it, Sam’, as will no doubt be pointed out by the cinephilic pedant sitting on the couch next to you, ruining your enjoyment of the picture with his incessant prattling.
5pm: Only Fools and Horses Festive Special
Cockernee fun and games with the irrepressible Trotter boys. Loveable rascal Del Boy Jason and his son/brother, Rodney Plonker, come across a stash of blow-up Santa sex dolls, and try to offload the lot for a large turkey and a fourth wheel for their Robin Reliant, with comical results. ‘Yule’ laugh yourselves sick!
7pm: FILM – Some Bond Movie or Other
Enjoy the interchangeable delights of this enduring movie franchise, as the world’s top superspy plays roulette, drinks too much and does the wild thing with an improbably named Eastern beauty, before saving the world from a mad genius who lives under the sea or on the moon or some shit. Pierce Brosnan may or may not star. It depends.
9pm: The Gilbert O’Sullivan Song ‘n’ Dance Xmas Xtravaganza
The 1970s’ ninth most popular singer-songwriter brings his patented blend of showmanship, singing chops and stupid hats to bear on this cabaret craptacular, which has been pretty much just thrown together over the last week or so. Baby Spice – that’s what we’ll always call her – drops by to strangle an innocent song to a painful death, while a bunch of precocious stage school kids do their bit for birth control by demonstrating just how incredibly loathsome some children can be.
11pm: FILM – Fletch Gets Old and Tired
Uncharacteristically downbeat Chevy Chase vehicle, in which his comic private detective meanders through an unfulfilling and lonely late middle-age.
Go to bed now, sheep. It’s all over for another year.