Predicting things is a tricky business. I remember once trying to forecast which numbers would come up on a Las Vegas roulette wheel by channelling the ghost of Sammy Davis Jr and having him sing them, to a jazzy big-bang accompaniment. It didn’t work out so well, as the Vegas Mafia – and both my thumbs – will testify.
But what do you do when you fall off the horse? That’s right, you get back on the horse. So Imma throw caution to the wind and make my predictions for 2015, category by category:
Current affairs
My crystal ball is telling me there will definitely be an election this year. Oh, not in Ireland necessarily – but somewhere in the world, on some level of politics, someone will call an election. Probably. Clairvoyance is an inexact science. Also, Queen Elizabeth will celebrate becoming the longest-serving Royal ever by throwing a bangin’ party in Buck Palace. Music by Skrillex and industrial/noisenik icons Einstürzende Neubauten. Catering by Campbell’s Catering.
The Economy
Or as I prefer to call it, “the Ecomony” – makes me sound more “street” and “real”. Anyway, now that this blasted recession is over, I foresee nothing but sunshine and lemonade, financially speaking. I’ve already been onto the Bentley dealership, ordering five of their most expensive cars. The gas thing is, I can’t even drive! But hey, it’s only money.
Movies
The Hunger Games “franchise” will pull a fast one by splitting Mockingjay Part II into two further parts: Mockingjay Part 2½ and Mockingjay Part 2¾. They’ll then do the same thing in 2016, giving us Mockingjay Part 24/5 and Mockingjay Part 25/6. And they’ll continue doing this, dragging the absolute ass out of it forever and ever and ever. Coz there’s money to be made, see?
Music
Beyonce will make a radical change of direction with her new album, “The Songs of George Formby Reimagined as Though Being Played by a Ghost with a Kazoo”. This consists of Mrs -Z reimagining the songs of George Formby as though they were being played by a ghost with a kazoo. The video will be Beyonce crawling around in a fishnet onesie and being led on a dog-leash, while the word “Feminist” is lit up in neon, with nary a hint of embarrassment.
Sport
The relentless machine that is Kilkenny will win the hurling All-Ireland yet again, but Tipp, Clare or Cork will win the people’s hearts. And that’s more important in the end…he told himself with a strained air of desperation.
Telly
Kim Kardashian’s ass will get its own reality TV show, which will subsequently be cancelled due to low ratings – everyone realised that, if they wanted to watch a gigantic ass talk gibberish and be really irritating, they could just switch on the news whenever a politician is being interviewed. Also: yet another cop show will be made in which the villain is a smooth, sophisticated, unnaturally handsome serial killer. Because that’s what those guys were always like in reality, right?
Technology and Gadgets and That
In Back to the Future II, 2015 is the year Marty McFly arrives in. So I think we can assume the tech developments will be pretty much along the lines of what we saw in that film: flying cars, hovering skateboards, self-closing shoes, talking rubbish bins, dehydrated pizzas etc. And probably a bunch of clowns blithering on about whatever pointless new thing their smartphone can do – that’s fairly standard at this stage.
Social Trends
The bizarre new phenomenon called Slappy Selfing: a mixture of selfies and so-called “happy slapping”, except here the person will be hitting themselves, while filming it. And then uploading the results online. And possible doing all this for charity.
Celebrity
I’m seeing a Royal baby – perhaps one for Harry – either that or another Beckham baby – almost certainly carried and delivered by Victoria. I’m also seeing yet another Band Aid, this time organised for “sufferers of gimpy knees and also that annoying pain you sometimes get in your neck, you know, like if you’ve been sitting at the computer for a long time? Yeah, that one”.
Darragh McManus, author and journalist 