Arnold Schwarzenegger is writing a book – and I’m so excited, I could scream. If not for the fact that the Governator would then call me a girlie-man and kick sand in my faces.
He’s been banging on about Total Recall – great title – on Twitter, asking for input and suggestions. Well, here’s one: don’t just churn out a humdrum, samey autobiography, like every other celebrity.
You’re bigger than that, Arnie. Much, much bigger.
Instead, rework a bunch of famous books in the classic Schwarzenegger style: gigantic guns, violence, action, blood, weirdly over-defined muscles, etc.
Take Homer’s Iliad. As it stands, an epic poem – shudder – that’s borderline unreadable. Retooled in Aahnhult fashion, though, it’s an adrenaline-fuelled mythical thrill-ride crammed with thrilling sword-on-sword action, hot babes carrying grapes, and unintentional but nonetheless hilarious homosexual undertones.
We even have a tag-line for the cover: “The Iliad…just got iller.”
No more messing around in Moby Dick: the whale gets taken down in the first chapter with a sonar-equipped torpedo. The rest of the book is Cap’n Arnie leading the crew in sea-shanties and vigorous on-deck callanetics programmes.
Frankenstein now has a fully-operational rocket launcher instead of a criminal’s arm fitted to his body. Heathcliffe is an undercover agent bringing down the Linton crime empire from the inside.
And say hello to Alice’s Extreme Adventures in Wonderland, Dr Jekyll Kicks Mr Hyde’s Ass, To Kill a Mockingbird and Then Make a Funny Quip About It…
The world of literature…is about to EXPLODE.