Kiss and (no) make up

I recently read a rather strange article in a newspaper, where the guy was commenting on that recent “No Make-up Selfie” trend. And his essential argument was: “This is a bad idea, because women don’t look good naturally, and should always wear make-up. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is, get over it.”

Now, it should be pointed out that the writer was a sports sub-editor, which suggests he doesn’t actually know that many women and has probably never had a conversation with one who wasn’t his mammy. Therefore his views on womankind maybe shouldn’t be taken too seriously.

It did annoy me, though. I tweeted about it: “Personally I’m attracted to women as they are, but whatever floats your boat.” For me, the fairer sex is, well, the fairer sex; yiz all don’t need to be slapping on the, uh, slap to look good.

Women look good anyway. They start from a base-level of looking good. If anything, make-up gets in the way.

Maybe some guys need a measure of cosmetic enhancement to find women attractive. I like women just fine in their natural state.

Not that I’m completely averse to make-up. I love my false eyelashes, my kohl, my hot-red lippie… Eh, that was a joke. Sort of.

I don’t mind make-up on women either. But in moderation, you know? A dusting of colour around the eyes to give that smoky, sexy, spooky vibe: good. Your skin slowly suffocating under half-an-inch of orange-coloured cement: bad.

(You stealing my false eyelashes and hot-red lippie to use for yourself: even worse. Don’t get between the D-man and his bag of beautifying tricks, I’m warning you.)

In fact, moderation is good in all things. Alcohol, exercise, licking the skull of a certain toad found in the Louisiana swamplands in order to induce narcotic euphoria and/or psychotic breakdown: whatever you fancy, it’s good to “take it handy”, as we say here in Irishland.

And when it comes to women’s appearance, moderation is even more important. Because women are always being told how to look, how not to look, do this, do that, don’t do the other. Pushed and pulled from one extreme to the next, backwards and forwards, upside-down and inside-out, until you don’t know what’s what anymore.

There’s nothing wrong with make-up, or doing your bikini line, wearing nice clothes, getting your hair did, getting your nails did, shaving your armpits, whatever you want.  (Nothing wrong with not doing any of those things either.)

But again, in moderation. Or to put it another way, to see these things as accentuating your natural beauty, maybe as little treats to make life that bit nicer, and most importantly, as something you wanted to do…not something you absolutely must do, to be complete.

It really kisses me off how women are constantly being told by advertising that there’s something fundamentally wrong with them, and how they look – but hey, thank God, our product can fix that!

Well, isn’t that a fortunate coincidence, Mr Dead-Soul Corporate Pimp. The very thing that’s disgusting and distasteful in millions of women, and you happen to be selling the “cure”.

Gah. To hell with you, Mr Dead-Soul Corporate Pimp, and how you prey on women’s insecurities to fatten your bank balance (and how you create those insecurities in the first place).

The most laughable, depressing irony of all is that the people behind this stuff are so often hideously ugly themselves. Really, genuinely horrible. I think Tom Ford is about the only designer I’ve ever seen who didn’t make me want to regurgitate last night’s half-pint of Pappy Van Winkle’s finest Kentucky bourbon.

The boss of a certain clothing chain which shall remain nameless even declared that “fat and ugly” people weren’t welcome in his store. Which, given that he resembles the rotting orc general at the Battle of Pelennor Fields, is kind of hilarious.

Now there’s a man who could do with some make-up. And when I say “some make-up”, I really mean “being entombed alive inside a lead casket”.


  • First published in U Magazine

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