Category Archives: Uncategorized

Sins of the fathers

I recently read Laurent Binet’s terrific novel HHhH, and was reminded of a newspaper piece I’d done years before, in November 2001, an interview with a German who had himself interviewed the offspring of infamous Nazis. Him, his book and the interview made for gruesomely compelling, fascinating reading. I’m republishing it below:

 

Armistice Day, which falls this Sunday, has been the subject of much controversy over the years, particularly when Irish people choose to wear the poppy, which is seen as an Imperialist symbol. But whatever the relative merits of each side’s argument, there should at least be consensus that the victims of all wars, on all sides, deserve commemoration on this day. And, perhaps, the perpetrators of wartime atrocities also need to be remembered, as a grave but necessary moral on our potential wickedness, and its far-reaching consequences.

An old saying goes, “The sins of the father shall be visited on the child”, one which most people take as a vaguely scary piece of theological mumbo-jumbo which doesn’t really mean very much. But depending on the nature and scale and depth of those sins, this symbolic aphorism can actually become reality for someone unfortunate enough to be the child of a very bad person.

And in the pantheon of “bad people”, few can match the Nazis for the sheer undistilled evil of their actions and thoughts. While words like “monster” and “butcher” are childish and simplistic and only serve to hoodwink us into believing that evil is something unconnected to us, an external force only working on other, inherently wicked individuals, there is no doubt that Nazi Germany plumbed the depths of human depravity about as far as it is possible to go.

Names like Hitler, Himmler, Göring and Hess have assumed almost mythical significance in the popular imagination, a roll call of blackhearted bogeymen from dark, distant days when the world tore itself apart and the unspeakable became the unavoidable. These were the facilitators and instigators of the Holocaust, the men who made it happen because they genuinely believed themselves, and their race, to be superior to lowly Slavs and Jews and Gypsies, who died unrepentant of the atrocities they had committed, merely rueful that they’d been caught.

And these are the fathers whose sins have been, inexorably, visited upon their children. While Hitler had no children that we know of, all his lieutenants were devoted family men, doting on their brood and securing the Fuhrer as godfather. All of these children survived the war and their father’s execution or lifelong incarceration. Where they travelled from there – from the definitive full stop of the Nuremberg trials in 1947, when any surviving high-ranking Nazi was summarily sentenced to death or life without possibility of parole – was what motivated Norbert Lebert, a German journalist, to locate and interview several of the so-called Nazikinder in 1959, when they were in their late teens and early twenties.

His researches made for surprising and slightly unnerving reading: many, like Wolf-Rudiger Hess, Gudrun Himmler and the Von Schirach brothers, refused to fully accept their fathers’ culpability, while Edda Göring seemed, if not in denial, then strangely indifferent to the real, human cost of Hermann Göring’s actions. A globally familiar list of excuses and justifications was parroted: They were only following orders. They didn’t realise what they were doing. They were misguided. Not all Germans were Nazis. Not all Nazis were bad. What happened then, the Holocaust, that was somebody else’s fault.

Only Martin Bormann Jr., who had become a Catholic priest, and the Frank brothers, Niklas and Norman, spoke, unflinchingly and honestly, about their fathers’ malevolence and the weight of guilt they had had to bear all their lives. While Bormann had dealt with his grief and shame in a reasonably constructive way, Niklas Frank scandalised German society in the 1980s with a series of explicit, ferocious magazine articles detailing the hatred and disgust he felt for Hans Frank, the self-styled “King of Poland”.

Lebert’s pieces were well-received, though not without some criticisms of being too soft on the Nazikinder, and forty years later the torch was picked up, appropriately enough, by his son. Stephan Lebert is a bespectacled, slightly nerdish figure, middle-aged and balding with a gentle, kind countenance. Also a journalist, he collated his father’s researches and made his own approaches to the Nazi offspring, now middle-aged or older themselves, as a sort of progress report on their weird, unique lives; or a lack-of-progress report, in some cases.

The purpose of this follow-up book – titled My Father’s Keeper: the Children of the Nazi Leaders – was simple, and its realisation was relatively trouble-free. “It was basically not difficult to bring together my father’s and my different journalistic styles…of course as it is 40 years later I had to look more thoroughly at the topic. In writing this book I wanted to relate stories: exciting, tragic, terrible stories…but certainly I wished also to enlighten and inform the reader. The reader should realize that the shadows of that time persist to the present day.”

In terms of personal political belief, he declares himself to be “quite leftist and an SPD (Sozialdemokratische Partei Deutschland – Social Democrats) voter”, and while he didn’t feel this particularly affected the book or its direction, Lebert recognises the modern-day dangers of a renascent Far Right.

“During my research, it did become clear to me just how dangerous the threat from the Right is because National Socialism is a particular way of thinking: the strong against the weak, the healthy against the sick, German against foreigner…and here and there, in certain sectors of our society, we can get a sense of some of that. In the Nazi era, Hitler embodied a Zeitgeist which found some resonance in the German people of the time, and while I don’t believe that Nazism is likely to reappear in that form, those ideas do persist.”

In virtually every area of German life, the past is constantly knocking on the present’s door, whether on a personal or national level. Stephan Lebert’s father was an enthusiastic member of the Hitler Youth as a teenager; he stuck pins on a map of the world, denoting which areas Germany had conquered, and suffered the Allies’ victory as a “catastrophe”. While he was obviously young and ignorant of the true nature of Nazism, and had recanted thoroughly by adulthood, his association with such a reviled system had its knock-on effects on the son.

“Of course it was significant that my father was in the Hitler-Jugend. He suffered his whole life because he had been a Hitler supporter when he was 15 years old. But for me it was easier that he suffered because of it…I didn’t need to attack him. He was aware of his own mistakes.”

The Leberts may have come to terms with the dark little corners of their past, but unfortunately not everybody has. Stephan asserts that, “Politically, academically and culturally, in all of these areas, I would say that Germany has dealt with the past well and sufficiently. However, what is missing is the working through of the past on a private level, in the family. Certain questions – what did one’s father or grandfather do, was he a victim or perpetrator, what were the consequences in bringing up the children or grandchildren – far too little has been discussed in these areas…until now.”

Lebert’s interviews with the children of such notorious criminals (is that even a large enough word to encompass their transgressions?) make for bizarre, compelling reading. While individuals like Martin Bormann and Niklas Frank are, in some way, reassuring – they rage against their genetic heritage, they despair of their fathers’ sins and, in Bormann’s case, they illustrate the complexity and ambiguity of humankind by continuing to love him – others still refuse to accept, let alone condemn, that dear daddy was capable of the most horrifying atrocities.

Speaking to people like Klaus Von Schirach or Edda Göring must be like stepping through the looking glass, into a parallel universe where normal values and perspectives are so distorted that they cease to matter. But it must also be a melancholy and desolate place, where time stands fixed and the course of the future is forever beyond one’s influence because one chooses to block out the past.

Stephan Lebert concurs: “It was above all very weird – but also sad, because most of the children were unable to break free of their parents’ shadow, in one way or another. Sometimes I became angry, because they continued to babble the ideals of their parents without any reflection or thought – Hess, for example, but also Gudrun Himmler and Edda Göring. But sometimes I felt pity for them because it is a bloody difficult fate to have to bear these names. Anyone can imagine it for themselves: how would I fare if my father had been a mass murderer?”

My Father’s Keeper is a valuable book, a chronicle and insight into one of the more tangential aspects of a black spot in history, and is engrossing, thought-provoking stuff, agreeably written yet difficult to stomach in parts. After reading of Himmler’s chairs made from human shin-bones and prized copy of Mein Kampf bound in human skin, it comes as no surprise that Stephan Lebert should say, “Well, (talking to these people) doesn’t give you hope. No, I was sad and sometimes really depressed”.

And while a little more surprising, it’s still understandable, in this context, that he should describe his next project thus: “For the moment I have had enough of this topic. My next book will deal with the topic of love.”

 

  • My Father’s Keeper: the Children of the Nazi Leaders is published by Little Brown

Introducing: Sandcastle Project Management Dad

You know what’s the worst thing about Irish summers? No, not the fact that they don’t exist except in the most theoretical way.

We’re talking about that pompous eejit who rears his head every year on our beaches: Sandcastle Project Management Dad (SPMD). He can’t just let the nippers mess away and throw up some yoke that looks like a plate of half-set jelly left beside a radiator for five hours.

No, this hero must take full control of the “build”, as if leading a major public works project, instead of just spending time with his kids while discreetly ogling 19-year-olds in teeny bikinis.

SPMD has to organise the whole thing, measure the dimensions, make it perfect. You half-expect him to suggest buttressing a supporting wall with some Loop-the-Loop sticks, or apply for planning on an interior moat with bucket-shaped turrets.

Then he loses his temper when the toddler crushes part of it and shoos the children far away, as they are “jeopardising the project’s viability”.

A true menace on Irish beaches, only matched by those idiots who refuse to pull their poodle back when it’s clearly terrifying a child, homoerotic gym buddies doing tandem sit-ups, weirdoes having picnics even though there’s a hurricane blowing sand into the sandwiches, German men wearing tiny trunks…

Oh, we’re better off not having much of a summer.


Radio GAGA

People are weird.

I know you know that – everyone knows that, even the weirdoes – but I’m talking here about one specific area of weirdness. Allow me to explain: I do a weekly radio column for the Irish Independent. You’d imagine something like that wouldn’t incite a very strong response. It’s just someone giving their opinion on what they’ve heard over the last week, with the odd digression into broader themes. And my style is not bland or milquetoast, but neither is it especially inflammatory or ‘controversial’. It’s reasonably well-balanced. Definitely not the sort of thing to get someone all riled up.

You’d think.

And you’d be wrong. Some of the emails I get are so bizarrely aggressive and histrionic, they almost come across like a pastiche of “angry reader”. Bear in mind what’s being discussed here – then read on… (Names have been omitted to protect the guilty.)

 

First, this letter in response to a piece praising Miriam O’Callaghan, and saying how likeable she was:

“you puffing up miriam ocallaghan made me feel sick… she is a talentless heap of shite! her front line interviews are stupidly embarrassing… her taking herself not seriously is a huge problem…. in her tv chat show ( the worst that i have ever seen) she enters a show biz world..that she has no part in…she like ryan tubberty should be in the audience and not on the stage…. Please spare us the CRAP about this brain less woman… she makes clare byrne look like einstien… give us a break… you must enjoy girly vacous shite”

 

This was about some reference I made to abortion – a serious issue, admittedly, but the presumptions this writer makes about me, based on one expressed opinion, are hilariously and depressingly ironic, given his opening words:

“You presume a lot if you think the views that you (and your clique of journalists in Dublin and on the net) have are the same views of the majority in the country and that David Quinn’s views are strange and unpopular. Honestly I think you hacks live in an alternative reality and think that you speak for all. Watch the two HUGE pro-life rallies next month and the month after and see whether David Quinn’s view is a minority view. You are as out of touch as the politicians,the vastly overpaid RTE celebrities and your other media colleagues. Get out more and talk to the ordinary people in the country and not just your little narrow-minded, liberal, pro-abortion, pro-anything-that’s-PC-of-the-times friends. I read articles like your articles several times a week all over the place and your smugness and condescending superiority is annoying.”

 

More abortion, I’m guessing. And more clichés, stereotypes and assumptions:

“Hi Darragh, you’re just what Ireland needs now- another liberal, pro-abortion journalist. Ye all must feel very cosy, preaching from your modern pulpits. By all means let’s have hard questioning. Could I offer a few suggestions? What should be done with the aborted remains? Incineration? Burial with suitable words or prayers? Recycling- not so far fetched as it seems as cannibalism is still practised? Let’s ask about abortion methods. Saline injection? Partial birth abortion? Dismemberment? Time limits could also be debated. Does 24 weeks suit or maybe 23 weeks and 6 days. Let’s subtract another day or 2 just to make the foul deed more reasonable. At least be honest. Abortion kills a developing human life.  Thou shalt  not kill seems a good guide to me and I hope it stays that way or no one is safe. “

 

This genius didn’t understand the point of an opinion column, complaining that mine was too concerned with, eh, giving an opinion.

“Rarely am I moved to write in response to an article but yours takes the biscuit. Is it possible that somebody can become a journalist in Ireland and get away with writing this kind of meaningless tripe. Who gives a shite whether you feel awful or not, whether you find OGorman boring or whether you think he’s an institution, or uninteresting or commendable. I don’t hear him very often but give me a real journalist like Paddy anyday to somebody writing this kind of boring twaddle. Just reread your first two paragraphs and ask yourself ‘Was I put on earth to write this stuff?’”

 

This was after one of my periodic digs at Irish people slavishly following UK soccer teams, instead of their own local team. And that’s almost as weird as the tone of these letters…

“Gosh Darragh, what an interesting and original article in yesterday’s Irish independent…why do those silly Irish men support English football?! What a rip tickler. And why has no one thought of it before? I must say it down the pub and watch the place erupt like its 1993 when a debate like this was last considered interesting or worth discussing. But then of course you wouldn’t just be using your column to rip on something you personally dislike by any chance? Heaven forbid men in Ireland are allowed some distraction from their unemployment, rising mortgages and reduced standing in society. Maybe they should start writing radio review columns for a national broadsheet? All it seems to require is a few personal prejudices and some archaic arguments to see you on your way to a nice paycheck.”

 

This one’s about Marty Whelan! How the hell can anyone get angry when thinking about Marty Whelan! You wouldn’t mind but I was very complimentary to him. Best of all, they demand an apology!

“It was with great surprise to note the contents of your article in the Irish Independent review date Saturday 4th June, in which you criticised Marty Whelan’s ability to present his early morning slot on Lyric FM.  I was really angered with your comments and your suggestion that Mr. Whelan has a place but not on Lyric ? What rubbish!!  I throughly enjoy Lyric Fm and that includes Mr. Whelan’s programme. His light banter brings a smile not just to  me but to many of my colleagues.  I am a music teacher by profession and have been teaching piano for the last 21 years and I think Lyric Fm has it just right including Mr. Whelan. You suggest that Marty does not know his place – I suggest that you do not know yours?  I await your comments in next week’s edition and an apology for your narrowmindedness would not go astray.”

 

And this is Marty too!

“In reference to your article on Marty on Lyric radio. Hands Off!!!! so WHAT? he may play lounge music as you call it but I and my friends love him. You have 21 other hours left to listen to your high brow classical music. I was a patient in the Galway Clinic recently for a month and for 3 hours he kept me sane, including some other patients who loved him too. As you said he’s a veteran, a trouper.and one of the good guys, I can only hope You last as long in your profession Believe me he knows his stuff and is allways cheery and full of bits of news.So no more nasty words about him. Name another station where we can get that kind of a good programme.”

 

And this came after I made some jocose reference to sports fans and their tiresome ‘banter’:

“Hi, Just read your piece on banter and just wanted to say that the fact that this inane piece of tat was actually published and you got paid for it makes me sick. How much do you get paid as a matter of interest? Do you have free rein to write what you like or has somebody as unimaginative as yourself instructed you to inflict such twaddle upon us? I am genuinely curious. Kind regards, XX”

 

A lot of people feeling ‘sick’ reading innocuous little radio review columns.

PS Normally I don’t respond to crank emails – it surely only encourages them – but I did, once, to that last one, and this can pretty much stand as a stock reply to them all:

 

Dear XX,

You ask a lot of questions, so here are a few questions back.

Do you normally write abusive screeds to people you don’t know, for no real reason whatsoever? Do you normally ask people you don’t know what their salary is? Can I ask what job you do, and how much you get paid? Do you welcome professional criticism and personalised attacks from complete strangers? Is all your correspondence this hysterical and violently over-the-top? Are you this rude to family members and friends, or just to people you don’t know?

Actually I should thank you, because your vicious little poison-pen letter – I notice you don’t sign your full name – has given me an idea for a piece. Who knows, I may even quote some of it. Lucky you, you’ll be immortalised in ‘an inane piece of tat’ by someone ‘as unimaginative as me’.

Good luck to you,

Darragh


How Alex Ferguson sold his soul to Satan for fortune and glory

Yes, you read that right.

When the Man United manager announced his retirement this week, I couldn’t have been more indifferent if I was locked in a coma, inside a sensory-deprivation tank, on the third moon of Jupiter.

But like many Irish sports fans, I once avidly followed English soccer (or football, as Brits and weird Irish people call it). More specifically, I followed Liverpool.

I wrote this piece at the start of the 2001-’02 Premiership season. The sub-title ran, “He’s back! He’s angry! He still hates Man United and bleeds Liverpool, so don’t expect any pretence at fairness or impartiality!” That gives you some idea of where I was coming from.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: this is satire. Just a piece of fun, and not to be taken seriously. I don’t actually believe that Alex Ferguson sold his soul to the Devil*. Anyway, enjoy…

 

I wanted to start this Premiership preview on a high note, folks. I wanted to be able to stand up here on this page, wherever it is (it’s the front page, right, boss? You promised), and declare: “The Evil Empire shall reign no more! The glorious Age of the Scousers is upon us! All kneel in worship as Liverpool reclaim the league title and Man United finish a miserable seventh or eighth.”

I wanted to say this but couldn’t, and here’s why:

Up until the middle of July, next season’s Premiership was still some sort of a fair competition. You Know Who were still everyone’s favourites to win a record fourth consecutive championship, but Liverpool, Arsenal, Leeds and maybe one or two others harboured faint hopes of stealing the title.

Around the middle of July, though, Alex Ferguson went out and spent almost £50million on three players who’ve almost certainly guaranteed yet another league title will be winging its way towards Gold Trafford. Hell, thy name is Ruud Van Nistelrooy, Juan Sebastian Veron and Roy Carroll.

Oh, sorry – that should read, “Hell, thy three names are…” and repeat step one. The aforementioned gruesome threesome delivered a swift blow to the tender regions of anyone foolish, obstinate or insane enough to still believe anything other than a Man U triumph is possible this season. And why is this, apart from Fergie’s 50 squillion insurance policy in his last season?

Simple: it’s coz “Sir” Alex sold his soul to Satan in 1989. As exhaustively researched by yours truly and a small cabal of dedicated, albeit slightly disturbed, freedom-fighters, Ferguson couldn’t win a game of poker against a blind baboon with no hands – who had been bribed to lose by the Chicago mob – up until the end of the eighties. His expensively-assembled collection of mistakes, misfits and miscreants even flirted with relegation a few times.

Since 1990, though, the dude can’t put a Nike-tracksuited foot wrong. Every purchase has been a roaring success (with Jordi Cruyff and Massimo Taibi the exceptions that prove the rule), practically every trophy has been relentlessly annexed, every refereeing decision and jammy break of the ball has gone their way, and every ABU has been driven into a state of near apoplexy.

And you’re telling me that the Horned One isn’t involved here somewhere?

So it’s obvious that some sort of bizarre, terrifying pact was struck sometime around the end of ‘89, possibly involving chicken blood, the golden tresses of a young virgin and demonic incantations being spoken backwards. Hey, sounds like my regular Saturday night hoe-down to be honest, but the point is that, with Old Nick in their corner, the Red Menace are unbeatable, unbackable and un-freakin’-believable.

As for the wrong end of the table, I don’t know and don’t care who’s in line for the chop, so long as Middlesborough – who have been hanging around annoying everyone for far too long – finally suffer the relegation they so richly deserve.

So there you have it, my faithful children: I have spoken and it wast exceedingly good. Now go forth and spread the good word, and all you ABUs remember: your team may not win anything, but at least your soul will go to heaven when you die.

Amen, brothers and sisters. Amen.

 

*Or do I…?


Rebel rebel, you’ve torn your dress

When I first heard the news, I assumed a grievous mistake had been made. Reese Witherspoon arrested? For sassing a cop who’d pulled over her fella for drink-driving? And then giving it the old “don’t you know who I am” line? And then having her mug-shot taken down the jail-house?

No, I thought. They must mean Rhys Ifans, the scarecrow-haired hobo who was in Notting Hill. He’s always boozing and causing a ruckus. Or Tim Witherspoon, the presumably punch-drunk former world boxing champ. Boxers are always fierce scuts.

Or maybe some notoriously alcoholic and trouble-prone celeb staggered out of one of the JD Wetherspoon’s chain of gastropubs and straight into the arms of John Q. Law. Or someone had a bizarre chemical reaction to eating too many Reese’s Chocolates and went on a sugar-enhanced rampage. Yeah, that must be it.

Amazingly, none of these outlandish scenarios was the case. Reese Witherspoon really had been arrested for sassing a cop. Reese Witherspoon, who looks as if butter wouldn’t melt in the mouth which occupies a front-and-centre position towards the lower half of her cutesy, blue-eyed, bushy-tailed, heart-shaped face. Who won an Oscar and went to Stanford University and seems a responsible mother and has never been in a lick of trouble.

Yeah, her. That Reese Witherspoon. Crazy, innit?

Needless to say, the jokes started flying before the camera flash had even died away. Huge movie star gets arrested? Sure, it’d be an immoral dereliction of duty not to make a joke.

The best one I saw was made by someone very clever and witty – me – on Twitter: “I didn’t buy Reese Witherspoon in that mug-shot. I mean technically, yes, it was a good performance. But I just wasn’t feeling it, you know?”

Har-dee-har-har. But if I could just put on a serious expression and pretend to actually be serious for a moment: what the Sam Hill is going on here? Has Reese Witherspoon been possessed by the collective spirit of Rhys Ifans, Tim Witherspoon and the CEOs of JD Wetherspoons and Reese’s Chocolates?

Almost certainly…yes.

Another pertinent question is: why do we love it when a good girl goes bad? Is there something petty and vindictive inside each of us, which exults in the fall from grace of a sleb who previously seemed a bit too sweet and wholesome and perfect (a description which also fits those aforementioned chocolates)?

Again, almost certainly…yes.

Still, at least Reese had the good grace to arrive at this point by accident. I mean, I’m presuming it wasn’t part of some strategic plot to further her career by getting into a bit of argy-bargy with a highway patrolman. She’s massive, she doesn’t need to do that.

At her level of fame, she’d be looking at engineering a spurious cat-fight with Ann Hathaway through selective leaked quotes to the media. Or vomiting blood onto George Clooney’s tuxedo at the Oscars after-party, then slurring, “That’s what I f**king think of you, Clooney. You git.”

So Reese’s run-in with Joe Q. Legality was spontaneous and unplanned. But I hate when some actress cynically decides to shatter her good-girl image by doing something – yawn – “daring” or “shocking”. It’s such a bore, isn’t it? So lazy and clichéd and manipulative.

You know how it goes. Such-and-such becomes famous for making Disney comedies and saccharine pop albums. Instead of keeping her head down and thanking Lucifer the Lord of Flies for his blessings in giving her this fame and money which she almost certainly didn’t deserve based on talent alone, she decides to do something – yawn – “controversial” or “outrageous”.

It’s always the same old sheeeite. Do a nude scene, do a lesbian scene, play a hooker/stripper/porno “actress”, allow a sex-tape to be “stolen”, fall out of a nightclub while conveniently wearing no knickers, et cetera.

Basically, the message is: Look at me, I have boobs and a vagina. Yes, that’s right – even though I was in a Disney movie, I possess the normal sexual characteristics of adult female primates of the family Hominidae and genus Homo Sapiens!

Wow, well done to you. Great achievement. Although I think evolution deserves most of the credit.

It’s boring, and kind of depressing, because it always involves sexuality. Is that the only way a young woman can show the world she’s now grown-up? Perhaps even worse, is that the only way a young woman can display rebellion?

Just once, I’d love to see a former teen princess join some hard-line Maoist terror cell, lead an insurgent army or make conceptual art so bizarre that the other conceptual artists are all like, ‘Whoa, that is some pretty goddamn bizarre conceptual art, dude.’

It’ll never happen, though, which is a real pity. But not as much of a pity as the fact that my theory about Reese Witherspoon being possessed is untrue.


Kanye please both just go away?

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s baby is due in July, and a birth hasn’t been anticipated this much since I was bestowed on a grateful world back in the seventies. (Yes, I really am that old. I know I don’t look it, but that’s down to good genes and regular moisturising). And before that, there was Jesus. But mostly, my birth is the benchmark by which these things are measured.

Until now. The Kimye sprog is about to become the single most significant human being in history.

Uh, that’s being sarcastic? Of course it isn’t – the nipper will in all likelihood have as pointless and empty an existence as its loathsome parents – but judging by the amount of press coverage and public attention it’s received, you’d be forgiven for thinking otherwise.

And it has a whole lifetime of this to look forward to, if that’s the right term. The baby’s parents are quite possibly the biggest attention-whores this world has ever seen – and that’s up against some pretty stiff competition – and the world reciprocates by providing every bit of attention they crave.

Like, I literally saw an article the other day about “Kim’s new bangs”. “Bangs” is an annoying and misleading American term for what civilised human beings call a fringe, but I digress. The point is that it was deemed worthwhile to report the fact that Kim Kar-crash-ian – chuckle – had slightly modified her hairdo.

Meanwhile this unfathomably popular oxygen-thief and her misogynist mutt of a fella have been more-or-less selling their own child’s gestation, and presumably soon the birth, for a worldwide audience of anonymous losers, creeps and obsessives. Though at least they haven’t released a video of its conception. Yet.

The kid’s life is already for sale and it hasn’t even been born. It’s hilarious, it’s terrifying, it’s tragic, it’s it’s it’s…just the absolute apex (or is that nadir?) of celebrity culture.

So we’ve decided to take a sneaky peek into the future and assess just how this life will pan out once it’s, you know, begun and stuff? Which it’s about to do with the…

 

Birth: July 2013.

Media coverage of birth: Live web-feed on Kanye West’s official site, constant flood of tweets from everyone involved – including the midwife and hospital domestics – and edited highlights on whatever Kardashian reality thing is currently ruining television for everyone.

What they’ll do with the placenta: Kim will eat it in tablet form, after putting a little aside to be made into cosmetics. It’s uterus-tastic for your skin!

Price for first pics of baby: Two million, paid by OK! Magazine after a frenzied bidding war.

Price for pics of placenta: Fifty grand, paid by a sexual deviant somewhere in the Far East – no bidding war required.

Potential names: Boadeeshia, Planet Orange, Emphysema Oblongata, La-TrayVayn, Bob. Or a mix of all of the above.

First papped: Coming out of the hospital.

First papped in a situation that hadn’t obviously been set up by its horrible parents: A week later, at home in the mansion. Paparazzo using a tall stepladder, zoom-lens and his uncommonly long neck.

First appearance on TV: Has already appeared, as guest star on the special “birth” episode of “Khrist Above these Kardashians just Keep on Koming”, the reality show all other reality shows bow down to and call “Master”. Other than that, first TV spot will be with mommy and daddy as part of an interview with whichever helmet-haired harridan pays them the most.

First fashion line: Launched at age one. Bespoke dribble bibs, Egyptian cotton vests with Kimye’s faces embroidered on, hand-woven blankies to go nap-nap in real style.

First TV starring role: “My Supermodel Baby”, a fascinating fly-on-the-wall look at a world that really is filled with tears and tantrums. The supermodel babies rule the infantile fashion world with a chubby fist, literally throw their toys out of the pram when their assistants bring back the wrong decaff mocachinatto Ribena, and get cast aside for a younger model when they reach their sell-by age of two-and-a-bit. Episode 1: Babette refuses to get out of her dirty nappy for less than ten grand, and Leonora charges twice that just to go burpies.

First arrest: for driving while baked to the gills on primo-grade pot, aged 16.

First marriage: to the guy who arrested her, aged 17.

First divorce: that week.

First nervous breakdown: also that week.

First check-in to Betty Ford clinic for treatment for whatever the hell addiction is going: the following week.

Triumphant return to good health and of course, the magazine stands: six months later.

Settles down to meaningless existence of fame, publicity, endless self-promotion and several soul-destroying marriages of convenience: aged 21.

How depressing is this: monumental.

And who do we blame for it: Kim and Kanye, those krass kretins. Kurse them to hell.


Recent reviews for Polka Dot Girl

Last Saturday in the Irish Independent, their reviewer gave The Polka Dot Girl some big love:

“McManus has created a fascinating, and richly detailed, alternate all-female universe; you are well into the gripping mystery before you realise there are no men…Eugenie Auf der Maur is a brilliantly evoked amalgam of pulp heroes such as Sam Spade and Philip Marlowe, all hardboiled attitude and wisecracking lip…It’s a brilliant idea and McManus carries it off with style.”

Meanwhile, t’other week on RTE Radio 1’s Arena, Declan Burke said something along the lines of, “Fantastic set-up…normal hardboiled detective setting – the difference is, this is an all-woman cast…very tapped into that Chandler/Hammett style…also brings in elements of classical mythology…Genie is quite endearingly vulnerable…(the book is) a very interesting and intriguing addition to the genre.” Arena, RTE Radio 1

 

The Polka Dot Girl is still available to buy here and here. So go buy!


It’s good to talk

This truly is an egalitarian age. For proof, look no further than premium-cost phone chat-lines.

Once these were the sole preserve of men. Sad, weird or lonely men. These days chat-lines are enthusiastically marketed at women via TV, magazines and a terrifyingly enormous number of specialist websites.

You’ll notice I’ve said “chat-line” as opposed to “sex-line”. We all know the point of these services, but the industry likes to sell itself as more innocent. So they use terms like “chat-line”, “make friends” or “let’s party”.

However, this can cause confusion in befuddled minds like mine. Recently a young lady on television informed me she was at a really happening party, and wouldn’t I like to be there?

The way she was smiling pleasantly and twirling her hair convinced me this lass was of thoroughly agreeable character. And the fact she was naked and straddling a chair convinced me she wasn’t lying about how hot that party was.

So I called, eagerly anticipating a roaring good time: drinks, canapés, light yet intelligent conversation. However, it proved a terrible letdown:

Party girl: Hi, you’ve reached the party-line. We’re only getting started…

Me: Hi, how’s the party going? Many showed up yet?

Girl: Ooh, yeah, baby. All sorts of gorgeous girls here, waiting for you…

Me: Anyone I know?  I don’t like going to functions where I don’t know anyone. Get a bit nervous, you know yourself.

Girl: Um…I’m sure we’ll all get really friendly. Tell me what you desire in…

Me: Do I bring my own booze or what? Don’t wanna look cheap, turning up without a bottle.

Girl: Um…it doesn’t matter what…

Me: Maybe you should tell me what you have already. I think there’s a bottle of Malibu lying around somewhere? Ooh, and I’ll bring nachos. A party’s gotta have nachos, right?

Girl: Listen, I don’t know what your game is…

Me: C’mere, what kind of sounds you got? Please tell me it’s not all rave.

Girl: I’ve had enough of…

Me: I could bring some old funk albums? Guaranteed to get your booty shakin’!

Girl: I’m hanging up. If you call again I’m getting the police.

(clicking noise)

Me: How odd. We seem to have been disconnected. And I didn’t even get the address.

A few days later, a different girl declared in a magazine advert, “We love to chat.” Who better to call when seeking a friendly ear? Oh, how wrong I was….

Chat-line girl: You’ve reached 0800 Naughty Chat. Where the talk is hotter than…

Me: How’s she cuttin’?

Girl: Hey there, you sexy thing. Want to know what I’m wearing?

Me: Listen, I have to tell you this. You’ll never guess who I met today.

Girl: I think I can… A sexy girl in a negligee?

Me: No, silly! It was Fr Curtin. Hadn’t seen him in years. Remember him? From the boys’ school. Gammy eye. Always told Kerryman jokes.

Girl: Uh…sounds hot. Do you want to invite…

Me: Anyway, that’s my little bit of news. What’re you up to yourself?

Girl: Right now I’m running my hand…

Me: C’mere, did you ever finish that ould FÁS course? Hairdressing. Or is that your sister I’m thinking of?

Girl: What are you…?

Me: Ah, must be the sister. I’m always mixing up the pair of you.

Girl: I don’t have a sister. Who is this?

Me: I suppose you’ll be planting the ould roses and shrubs and whatnot now, for summer. Ah yeah. The bit of a garden is lovely…

(clicking noise)

Me: How odd. I seem to have been disconnected again. (pause) And blast, I never found out if she remembered old Curtin or not.

 

  • First published in the Irish Independent April 6

Review of Mohsin Hamid’s How to Get Filthy Rich in Rising Asia

BOOK REVIEW

How to Get Filthy Rich in Rising Asia

Mohsin Hamid

Hamish Hamilton, €18.50

 

How to Get Filthy Rich in Rising Asia tells the gripping, decade-by-decade story of one nameless man’s life, from babyhood to death. There’s a sort of Slumdog Millionaire vibe as we follow the rise of a poor boy from rural Pakistan to financial success.

One of only three surviving children, the boy moves with his family to an unnamed city. As youngest child – the older siblings must work or marry young – he gets an education, then slowly builds up a bottled water business and gathers the accoutrements of wealth: nice house, fancy car, large staff, armed bodyguards.

He marries, has a child, neglects his wife, divorces. The business continues to grow, with new contracts for municipal water supply, dealing with some scary people in Pakistan’s military-industrial complex. He’s an economic success at least, though vaguely dissatisfied in his heart. Eventually his manager insists they load the company with massive debt in order to “grow” – and the edifice he’s so painstakingly assembled becomes in danger of falling apart.

How to Get Filthy Rich in Rising Asia is a classic rags-to-riches story, so familiar to us, that mad scramble for money and status. Running throughout is our hero’s lifelong love for “the pretty girl”, their relationship stymied by fate and poor choices.

The novel is written by Mohsin Hamid, whose previous work, 2007’s The Reluctant Fundamentalist, was a critical and commercial smash. Shortlisted for the Booker and IMPAC Prize, it was named New York Times Book of the Year, while The Guardian declared it one of the decade’s seminal works. Within months of publication, this story of a Pakistani man called Changez, struggling to adapt to post-911 America, was a staple on college curriculums.

It was also a best-seller, and has now been made into a movie of the same name, out this May. Starring Riz Ahmed, Kate Hudson and Liev Schrieber, the screenplay was co-written by Hamid himself.

The author, like Changez, has lived in the US, both as child and adult. His peripatetic existence also brought him to Britain, Greece and elsewhere. This, you feel, gives Hamid an especially clear view of many of his new book’s major themes: the modern technology economy, the shrinking of our planet, the impulses and currents that drive global capitalism.

On one level How to Get Filthy Rich in Rising Asia is a simple boy-loses-girl romance. But on another, it’s the history of a rapidly changing land, and a lucid explanation of how economics and politics work. As the title suggests, “Rising Asia” is as much a character as any individual, and the book gives great insight into these Tiger-ish economies striving to usurp the West.

It’s presented as a pastiche of a self-help book, addressed to a fictional “you”, which is interesting and very appropriate: those kind of texts, one imagines, would be devoured by the hungry young talents of modern Pakistan, sensing opportunity for their country and themselves, determined to finish first in the great race of life.

Each chapter begins with a self-help platitude – don’t fall in love, ensure you have good contacts, and so on – then moves onto the main narrative. This structure makes it the first novel I’ve read that’s written in the second-person, and it’s a testament to Hamid’s skill that he uses this voice so successfully.

I flew through the novel, and particularly appreciated how he didn’t predictably dwell on capturing the smells, sounds and textures of Pakistan, thus giving the book a more universal feel. Anyone can relate to the likeable hero’s triumphs and falls.

The prose is good, though prone to the odd clumsy formulation: “He catches a bus to the century-old, and hence in city historical terms neither recent nor ancient, European-designed commercial district.” It stands up grammatically but just sounds wrong to the ear.

When he hits the mark, though, Hamid’s prose really sings. Here he compares the dangerous, exhausting work of a painter to life as an astronaut: “It too involves the hiss of air, the feeling of weightlessness, the sudden pressure headaches and nausea, the precariousness that results when an organic being and a machine are fused together.”

It’s funny, too: a man’s hair is described as “so thick he could safely ride a motorcycle without a helmet”. The conversations between the hero and his sweetheart are charming and often comical.

That, and they, are the heart of this book. Their star-crossed romance is treated with tenderness and wistfulness by Hamid, and is hugely moving at times. It’s almost certainly the first literary novel that had me close to tears. Most of them are so chilly and distant, but this is full of love: love for family and friends, love of life, character love and authorial love for those characters.

Ultimately, it’s that age-old story of a man gaining the world but losing his soul. Money will certainly improve your life if you don’t have any, but after a certain point, it won’t make you happy. And the sacrifices in acquiring it might just be your ruination.

 

  • First published in the Irish Independent

 

  • Darragh McManus’ crime novel The Polka Dot Girl is out now

Review of Patrick McGinley’s Bogmail

BOOK REVIEW

Bogmail

Patrick McGinley

New Island, €10.99

 

The late 1970s, a small Donegal village. Local publican Roarty kills his barman with a whack of an encyclopaedia to the head, for reasons soon revealed. He buries the body in a bog, certain he’s committed the perfect crime but terrified he’s overlooked something. Then a blackmail demand arrives, putting the heart crossways in Roarty. A severed foot follows. Out of his mind with panic, he begins to suspect visiting English engineer Potter, and wonders if his should be the next body destined for the bog…

If ever proof was needed that art is not a meritocracy, and success relies more on luck than talent, you’ll find it in Patrick McGinley’s Bogmail. First published in 1978, reissued by New Island, this is not just a great crime novel but great work of literature.

That’s by the highest standards. Crime aficionados often claim their genre is artistically comparable to classic literature, which usually isn’t true. But Bogmail is wonderful: lyrical, astute, with a psychological depth and philosophical/theological heft equal to Dostoyevsky or Greene.

Yet it remained unheralded and virtually unknown. I’d never heard of book or author until recently, although BBC adapted it in 1991, a series TG4 recently reran.

How is this possible? McGinley is a tremendous writer. He creates great characters, fully fleshed-out and believable. Their interactions with each other, and the murky depths of their inner lives, are thrilling and moving.

From a plot perspective, it’s similar to Francis Iles’ seminal 1931 mystery Malice Aforethought, in that we know the killer from the off; less “whodunit” than “will he get caught?” Still, there is genuine tension, tightening like a noose, as Roarty fights to keep it together until he can divine the blackmailer’s identity.

What really sets Bogmail apart is the writing quality. It could have literally no story and remain an enthralling read, such is McGinley’s skill and vision.

As well as Dostoyevsky and Greene, parts of the novel read like Italo Calvino, others like Flann O’Brien, though without the self-conscious playfulness – this is a deadly serious book at its core. (Having said that, it’s hilarious in parts, especially the pub conversations.)

Though Bogmail flows smoothly, some of the language has a sort of charming formality to it; it’s almost genteel at times, in the best tradition of Christie and other cosy mysteries. The book is peppered with obscure words, archaic phraseology, technical terms, dollops of Hiberno-English. None of this is showy, but fits seamlessly into, and serves, the narrative entire.

The first piece of advice any good writer gives to a wannabe is: read as much and as widely as you can. Bogmail was clearly written by someone who has read a lot. And for us, there’s the added pleasure of a great book set in Ireland: the familiarity enriches its universal themes.

Bogmail has an appropriately ambiguous ending – it chimes with an earlier scene, where a piece of music reminds Roarty of life’s fundamental uncertainty – but there’s nothing ambiguous about the sheer brilliance of this novel. Like a disinterred bog body it’s now enjoying a second life; maybe there is justice after all, in art if not law.

  • First published in the Irish Independent April 6