The existence of God is one of those questions that have occupied the mind of man for centuries. Religiosity is on the rise throughout the world, with everyone from Mad Mullahs to US Presidential candidates insisting that, yes, the Big Fella is realer than reality itself. And that’s really real. On the other side, the maniacal likes of Richard Dawkins are on the verge of using live ammo in their efforts to convince us that, no, there is no Supreme Being.
Except for Larry Hagman, obviously.
Is there any way to definitely prove whether we’re all alone in this cold, endless universe, or there actually is a deep-voiced chap with a big beard smiling down benevolently from a fluffy cloud? I’ve turned to the ultimate source of wisdom – popular culture – to find out, for good an’ all:
Argument for the existence of God: The assumption that someone had to deliberately create such musical geniuses as Kurt Cobain, John Lennon, Jimi Hendrix and 2Pac or 8Pac or BacPac or whatever that moron was called.
Argument against: They’re all dead, which suggests that a celestial benefactor didn’t, to use some hip-hop parlance, ‘got their back’.
For: Roadkill-haired octave-molester Michael Bolton no longer seems to colonise the music charts.
Against: The existent records of roadkill-haired octave-molester Michael Bolton will, in all likelihood, endure into perpetuity. Unless a way can be found to locate and destroy all vinyl, CD and digital versions thereof. Come on, Bill Gates – there’s a worthy cause for you to throw some money at.
For: The presence among us of Salma Hayek’s wondrous breasts, blessed be their name/names.
Against: Nobody bar her paramour has seen them for about two decades. Boo.
For: Events such as Live 8 show how the celebrity collective can come together for a good cause, demonstrating that God’s love has touched their souls.
Against: The nagging suspicion that the only ‘awareness’ these people are interested in raising is that of their upcoming new release in the public’s mushy, easily persuaded consciousness.
For: Daniel Day Lewis’ towering and – oh, what the hey – godlike performances in Gangs of New York, In the Name of the Father and The Crucible.
Against: Humanity’s continuing, unfathomable affection for the works of Adam Sandler.
For: That absolutely freakin’ amaaaazing guitar solo Slash does during Sweet Child o’ Mine. The really twiddly one about three-quarters of the way through? God was working that axe, man.
Against: Axl Rose’s face. How could any deity allow this calamity to befall one of His children?
For: The fact that Woody Allen is still making pretty much the exact same movie some forty years after he first made it.
Against: The fact that Woody Allen is still making pretty much the exact same movie some forty years after he first made it.
The verdict: On balance, the ‘for’ side just about shades it…mainly thanks to the late intervention of that Slash guitar solo. Therefore, I have conclusively proven that God exists. Testify!
Darragh McManus, author and journalist 
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